Marriage Archives

Tips to Help You Find a Marriage Therapist

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Every time we have moved, I have had to go through the process of finding new doctors, new music teachers, new babysitters, and new sports teams. Each one is a stressful and time-consuming process.

I don’t want to invest money and time into something I’m not going to be pleased with. The first thing I usually do is start asking for recommendations. I ask my neighbors and friends from church and look online for reviews. Eventually I find new doctors, music teachers, babysitters, and sports teams that I am pleased with, but it was certainly a process.Continue Reading

What is Emotionally Focused Therapy

by Dr. Kim Blackham

When couples start exploring the option of therapy, they are often unaware of the different approaches therapists may use to help them. It’s important to understand that not all couples therapy is created equal. You are looking for deep and lasting change that will help you feel safe and secure in your relationship again. It is important to find an approach to therapy that will help you achieve that goal.

Medical Marriage Q&A: Keeping Love Alive

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Question: We are currently in the last year of med school, and I’m wondering; what are some practical, everyday things we can do to keep our marriage strong? Especially with intern year coming up.

Answer:

Don’t Confuse Character with Situation

When the demands of life become overwhelming, it is easy to attack your spouse’s personality when in reality, it is the situation you are angry about. The hospital demands that accompany some rotations may make your spouse unavailable to you during the day and home late at night. It is easy to misconnect those dots and assume “I’m not important to her” or “He cares more about work than he does about me.” The ugly reality of medical life is that at times, many elements will be out of your and your spouse’s control. Attacking your spouse’s character when the situation is to blame is unfair.

Make Time Each Day Just to Be Together

Find the time every day to connect. The couples I speak to have become very creative at making this work. One woman tells me she gets up early with her husband every morning before he goes to work. Another client told me they started putting their children to bed earlier every night in order to have some time alone. Try going to bed at the same time, putting work away at a particular time and spending the rest of the evening together, or doing routine activities like walking the dog or washing dishes together. Whatever you come up with, find a way to make this happen every day.Continue Reading

Should I See a Therapist?

by Dr. Kim Blackham

A few years ago, my hip was causing me a lot of pain. I couldn’t identify having specifically done something to initiate the pain, and I couldn’t seem to fix it on my own. I tried stretching, ice, rest, Motrin, but nothing seemed to help. I realized I had exhausted what I could try on my own. If I wanted to get rid of this pain, I was going to have to see a physical therapist.

I had never before seen a physical therapist. When I got there, he began moving my leg in many different directions and asking me to stretch this way and that. It was all fine, maybe a little uncomfortable, but fine. Then he had me stretch it in a way I had never done before.

“Ouch!” I said. “That hurts.”Continue Reading

What to do When You and Your Spouse Have Different Love Languages

by Dr. Kim Blackham

Question: I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to help each other express affection in the others love language when his is my lowest score and mine is his lowest score. For example, my highest is words of affirmation and lowest is physical touch. His highest is physical touch and lowest is words of affirmation. We both try hard and put in effort for what doesn’t come naturally, and that counts for something for sure, but I feel like we are missing something… Any thoughts or tips you wouldn’t mind sharing? I’m sure we aren’t the only ones with this issue. Thanks!

In this quick video, I answer this question and offer some helpful tips for meeting your partner’s needs and staying connected – even when you and your partner have different love languages.

6 Key Ways to Thrive When Your Spouse Works Nights

by Dr. Kim Blackham

It can be very difficult when a spouse is required to work nights. Something about nights adds to the loneliness and challenge of an already difficult situation.

It’s easier to keep yourself busy during the day. There are often other people around such as friends, colleagues, and family members, as well as more scheduled activities and things to do. But at night time, families have gathered back at home and are preparing for the next day. It almost feels like an intrusion to reach out for connection and support at that time. Even if it’s just a late evening, when you’re out running kids around to soccer practice and piano lessons or at home managing homework and bedtime by yourself. How do you keep up your strength and not become resentful?Continue Reading