I spent yesterday evening in the emergency room with my four-year-old son. Four kids, and I have never had to make an ER visit before.
I realized that one of the reasons we have never been to the ED is because I have had access to medical opinions and knowledge at home. Whenever something about my children’s health has concerned me in the past, I have trusted my husband’s judgment and not needed to go to the ED for reassurance. He has been a calming influence and has often helped me see that while my concerns and worries are valid, they may not be necessary.
If you are a physician, there are a few things you can remember to help support your non-physician spouse when something goes wrong with the kids:
Remember: Medical disasters are not their normal.
I don’t experience trauma codes, treat ICU patients, or oversee palliative care on a day to day basis. My normal is a healthy, everyday lifestyle. So when one of our kids is vomiting every few minutes and laying lethargic and pale in my arms, my first response is to worry. Even if you as a physician know that a situation is not serious, validate that it may seem worrisome to someone who does not deal routinely deal with illness.
Remember: It is his/her job to worry.
A physician’s job is to solve the medical problem. A parent’s job is to worry about their child’s well-being. That’s just what the handbook says. When you are the physician parent, you get to do both–but because of your experience and knowledge, it may be easier for you to worry less. Respect that your partner, who does not have the advantage of your training, may or may not be able to step back and see the situation objectively. That’s not his or her job. Be careful not to mock or criticize your partner for his or her concern.
Remember: You don’t have to fix it, you just have to be there.
I didn’t need my husband to fix the situation last night. There were other doctors and nurses caring for our son. I just needed him to be present. Presence and responsiveness are two crucial elements of secure relationships. Because of the demands of medicine, you will not always be able to be physically present. When those situations come up, remember to express your desire to be there and your regret that your partner has to do it alone. Knowing that you want to be present provides some measure of comfort to your spouse, even when you can’t be there.
One note to the non-physician spouse:
When your husband or wife works in a field as demanding as the medical one, it can be challenging even to get in touch with them in an emergency. You might feel alone, frightened, and even resentful as you struggle to get in touch with your spouse at work in an emergency. Here is my best suggestion to help you both in this situation:
Set up a system beforehand that will help you get in touch with your spouse in case of an emergency–and then respect it. You might establish a regular system for your daily communication, like allowing your spouse to call you when she finishes her notes rather than you calling at the expected end of a shift–when she might still be working with a patient. Maybe you send an email that he can read when he gets a moment, or you might ask simply that he texts when he is headed home. You can even have a special pager code or a three-calls-in-one-minute signal to indicate a true emergency. Then, when your spouse responds–even if it is later than you would have liked–show gratitude rather than expressing criticism. Our spouses want to be there for us! Accept their help and support with gratitude, even if it isn’t perfect.
Here’s how the communication system works in our family:
First, I am very respectful of how often I text or page my husband. I know myself how difficult it can be to be in with a client and have my phone going off over and over again. Even when it is on vibrate, it is distracting and unprofessional. But I don’t want to turn it off in case I need to be contacted in an emergency.
Second, when my husband is working, I typically communicate with him via text and the occasional phone call only if I know he is not in the OR or clinic. Otherwise, I trust that he’ll call when he gets a minute. Yesterday, I called and sent a text. When I didn’t get a response, I paged him! At that point he knew something was wrong. Because I have maintained that level of respect, he knew that when I broke that normal pattern that I must really need him to respond. And he did. At that point he could excuse himself from what he was doing and check in with me. I was so thankful to hear his voice.
How different would our whole night have been if I had picked up the phone when he called and said, “Finally! Didn’t you see I had been calling and texting? Didn’t you realize something was wrong?” Instead, I expressed gratitude for his response, and–because our choices and our system allowed us both to feel positive about our efforts to care for each other–we could work as a team to come up with a solution.
