Breaking Free: Escaping the Pursue-Withdraw Cycle in Your Relationship

One of the most prevalent fears in relationships is the fear of disconnection, where individuals are deeply afraid of not feeling valued, important, or capable of meeting expectations. This fear can significantly impact how we perceive ourselves and our relationships.

These overwhelming fears of disconnection and inadequacy are not limited to intense arguments alone.

These overwhelming fears of disconnection and inadequacy are not limited to intense arguments alone. These larger-than-life anxieties are often triggered in normal, day-to-day interactions your partner. It could be something as simple as the tone of your partner’s voice when you arrive home late or the blank stare you get when you are talking about something important and your partner doesn’t seem to be listening.  These seemingly small instances can trigger those enormous fears.

Earlier this month I met with a couple for intensive marriage therapy. The husband told me that for him, one of the hardest day-to-day experiences he goes through is hearing his wife say, “Could you at least help with this or that?”

“‘At least’ implies that I’m useless,” he explained. “That the effort I do make doesn’t count…  When she is upset, I hear it in her tone or in the words she uses.  Sometimes I see it in a look on her face. It is disappointment. I begin thinking she wished she married someone else. Someone who could get it right.”

This was all news to his wife. In fact, she had a really hard time believing it:

“I’ve been telling him for years that I need him, that he is the man that I want,” she said. “He just shuts down and pulls away from me whenever I try and bring up my needs or loneliness. I usually start off calm and gently. Really, I do! But when he starts to shut down, I get more and more angry. Then, I do yell. I yell to get a response. Any response is better than no response.”

This couple is stuck in the most common pattern of disconnection. It’s the attack/defend or pursue/withdraw cycle. In this cycle, one partner’s attempts to pursue closeness are met with the other partner’s withdrawal. As one partner pushes for connection, the other instinctively pulls away, perpetuating the cycle of disconnection.

The reassuring news is that experiencing the pursue/withdraw cycle in relationships is incredibly common. In fact, around 75% of couples worldwide find themselves stuck in this pattern. However, despite its prevalence, it doesn’t diminish the pain and frustration it can cause. Feeling trapped in this cycle can leave individuals with a sense of helplessness and uncertainty about how to break free.

When confronted with the recurring pursue/withdraw cycle in your relationship, there are five steps you can take to prevent getting stuck:

1.  See the Cycle

Awareness is the first step. Identify the patterns of pursuing and withdrawing in your interactions and acknowledge that it is a cycle you both get caught in. Recognizing the cycle as it unfolds in the present moment is key, as it is likely to reoccur. Only by acknowledging its presence can you take the necessary steps to address and transform the cycle. Remember, change begins with awareness, and with practice, you can break free from the cycle and cultivate a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

2.  Name the Cycle

A few months ago I was headed out of town on a weekend when meteorologists were predicting that a hurricane would hit Tampa.  I expressed my concern to my husband and said, “I’m really worried about going out of town with a hurricane on it’s way.”

“Kim,” he said, “It’s still a tropical depression. It doesn’t even have a name yet. We’ll be fine.”

I felt like my eyes were opened. He was right! When it became a legitimate threat, it would have a name.

Your pursue/withdraw cycle is real. It is a threat to your relationship. It is your common enemy: It is not your fault, or your spouse’s fault. It is the cycle’s fault. And until it has a name, it seems like an abstract concept that may or may not exist. By recognizing this cycle as a separate entity, with its own name and identity, it becomes less abstract and more tangible. It allows you to see it as something external to yourselves, something that can be understood and addressed without pointing fingers and getting defensive.

Finding a name for your cycle is a powerful step in creating awareness and understanding of its impact on your relationship. It allows you to personalize and make sense of the patterns you experience. Consider using weather metaphors such as hurricane, tornado, tsunami, drought, or quicksand to capture the intensity and dynamics of the cycle. Alternatively, you can choose a name that resonates with you and reflects the emotional rollercoaster you both go through. Whether you call it “the crazy cycle” or something else entirely, the important thing is to give it a name that holds meaning for you. This naming process helps to externalize the cycle and reinforces the idea that it is separate from your identities as individuals and as a couple. By naming it, you can begin to understand it more clearly and work towards breaking free from its grip.

3.  Stop the Cycle

You can stop the cycle when you can say,  “Hey, I can see we are getting into quicksand again, and we don’t want to do that anymore.  Let’s stop right now.”

Stopping the cycle begins with recognizing when you’re getting caught up in it and deciding to interrupt it. Reframing the cycle allows you to shift from blaming each other to viewing the cycle itself as the problem. Instead of making accusatory “I” and “You” statements, you can approach the situation with a shared perspective.

Instead of saying “You won’t talk to me!” or “I can’t deal with all these demands!”

You can say something that acknowledges you are both caught in the cycle and express a joint desire to break free from it like “Hey, I can see we are getting into quicksand again, and we don’t want to do that anymore. Let’s stop right now.”

It’s a way of recognizing that the cycle is the common enemy, and you’re both working together to overcome it. This shift in perspective fosters a sense of collaboration and helps create a safe space for open communication and resolution.

4.  Own the Cycle

Taking ownership of your position in the cycle is crucial for breaking free from its grip. By acknowledging and expressing your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the cycle, you create an opportunity for understanding and connection. For example, saying, “I can tell that I am starting to get critical, and I know that makes you want to pull away from me. I don’t want to be critical; I’m trying to find a way to reconnect,” shows self-awareness and empathy. It allows you to take responsibility for your actions and communicate your intention to rebuild the connection.

Similarly, stating, “I can feel I am starting to shut down. I know that makes you really anxious. I need some time to process what is going on. Then we can talk about it again tomorrow,” demonstrates awareness of your own emotional state and its impact on your partner. It also highlights the importance of self-care and setting boundaries to ensure a productive conversation in the future.

By owning your position in the cycle, you show a willingness to take responsibility for your part in the dynamics and create space for open dialogue and understanding. It helps break the pattern of blame and invites mutual support and cooperation in finding healthier ways to reconnect.

5.  Get the Cycle

Understanding why the cycle happens is indeed a challenging but crucial step in breaking free from its grip. It requires going beyond a cognitive understanding and truly internalizing it at a deep level. As you gain insight into why your partner engages in blaming or withdrawing behaviors, you start to perceive them in a different light, fostering a transformative shift in your relationship.

What looks like indifference, is really a sense of inadequacy. Your partner doesn’t pull away from you because you don’t matter. Your partner pulls away from you because you matter so much. It hurts too much to be a disappointment to you, so to manage that pain, he pulls away or defends.

What looks like disappointment and disgust, is really desperation.   Your wife does not blame and criticize because you are a lousy husband. She blames and criticizes because she desperately wants to matter to you. I know it doesn’t feel that way at the time. But when she feels disconnected, it is so scary to her that she tries to get a response from you in any way she can.

The whys of the cycle are so important!  Understanding that your partner’s deepest desires–to connect with you, to be important to you, to be enough for you–are the same as yours can help you come together as a team, even when you express those fears in different ways.

If you. have a hard time understanding why your partner reacts the way they do, I would encourage you to spend some time understanding why pursuers pursue and why withdrawers withdraw. Additionally, you can read more about emotionally focused therapy and how intensive therapy can help you break these feedback loops.