Have you ever felt frozen by a decision that feels impossible to make? Or filled with doubt, confusion, and overwhelm–wishing someone would just make the decision for you? Me too.
Every time my husband ends one phase of his medical career and moves on to the next, I feel like we end up in the same quicksand of indecision. The stakes feel high, and the options often seem equally promising—or equally daunting. We know a choice has to be made, but the weight of making the perfect decision can feel paralyzing.
This kind of uncertainty is tough in any situation, but it can feel especially heavy when it comes to relationships. Perhaps you’re navigating whether to take a relationship to the next level, muscle through a tough season, start therapy and address the years of past hurts, or let go altogether. Whatever the situation, the emotional stakes make the decision even harder. Relationships are deeply personal, and the “right” answer often feels anything but clear.
We are all faced with complicated and weighty decisions. When I am in that situation, I have found there are seven things I can do when I don’t know what to do.
Understand That the Best Decision May Not Be the Easiest One
Let’s be honest: it’s incredibly hard to choose a more challenging path when an easier one is available. I struggled with this when my husband decided to pursue a career in surgery. The question kept running through my mind: Am I really choosing this? I could choose something simpler, and I’m choosing this instead? But in the end, the harder decision was the right one for our family—not just because it allowed my husband to follow his dreams, but because it pushed all of us to grow. The obstacles we faced strengthened us individually and as a unit. Growth often comes from challenge, and sometimes the “right” choice is the one that requires us to stretch.
Trust your intuition
As you look at your options, the one that seems right on paper, may not feel like the right decision. Listen to your feelings. Pay attention to what is happening for you as you consider moving that direction. Is it fear that comes up? What is it about that option that feels so unknown or scary? Or perhaps it is confusion–that it just doesn’t all make sense and come together. We are not trained well in tuning into our own souls and trusting our intuition. Yet when we do, we often get a sense of which decision feels more right than the other one. And it may not be the one that seems most obvious. In all the frenzy of collecting information, opinions, and guidance from other sources, slow down and tune into what your own soul is telling you. Deep inside, does it feel like the right option?
Stop comparing options and look at them individually
Some decisions are between good, better, and best. But often, the hardest choices are between two good options—or two equally challenging ones. These are the decisions where the pros and cons seem to cancel each other out, leaving you stuck in indecision.
If you’re trying to choose between two good things, start by asking yourself: Would I be happy with decision A? Is it a good choice on its own? Then shift your focus entirely to decision B: Would I be happy with decision B? Does it stand as a solid choice by itself?
If the answer to both questions is yes, it’s time to let go of comparison. Fear of regret—of missing out on what you didn’t choose—can keep you paralyzed. But sometimes, the answer isn’t about finding the “perfect” choice. It’s about recognizing that both options are good and simply making a decision. Once you stop pitting them against each other, you’ll often find clarity in moving forward.
Choose Your Hard
Relationships are hard. Being married is hard. It requires communication, compromise, and effort every single day.
Divorce is hard too—it brings emotional pain, financial strain, and the challenge of rebuilding your life.
Staying in a committed relationship takes work, vulnerability, and resilience.
Letting go of a relationship often comes with grief, uncertainty, and loss.
Both paths are hard in their own way, but you have the power to choose your hard. Life will always present challenges, especially in relationships, but by aligning your choices with your values and long-term goals, you can face the hard that leads to growth, fulfillment, and peace.
Take the 30,000-foot view
Sometimes a decision can feel like it holds the weight of your entire future—as if everything depends on making the perfect choice right now. I remember this feeling vividly when my in-laws offered to buy us a new artificial Christmas tree during residency. We had been using a small, worn-out tree from our undergrad days, and I was determined to pick the absolute best replacement. After dragging my mother-in-law to store after store, I was overwhelmed and frustrated, feeling like I had to make the perfect choice because I wouldn’t get another chance for years. Finally, she said something that put everything into perspective: “This won’t be the last Christmas tree you ever buy. Even if it takes a while, there will be another opportunity.”
Her words stuck with me. It reminded me that sometimes, the decisions we agonize over aren’t as monumental as they seem. Taking a step back to see the bigger picture often reveals that the stakes aren’t as high as we believe in the moment. When you zoom out, you may realize that this one decision doesn’t define the rest of your life—and that can make the process feel far less overwhelming.
Ask yourself what would need to change for the other option to be right
When I talk to couples contemplating divorce, more often than not, they tell me they want to be with each other, but that can’t continue the ways things have been. If they could feel connected and emotionally close, of course they would want to be together. But that option feels so out of reach that it’s hard to even consider it. Maybe a better way to say it is that it is hard to want it. It hurts too much to long to be close but feel that closeness is entirely out of reach. But without considering that possibility, many couples make a decision that ultimately, they don’t want.
Get to work
Sometimes indecision feels like a trap you can’t escape. You want the “right” answer—the perfect solution spelled out in neon lights—before you take a single step forward. I get it. I’ve been there, too, stuck in a loop of overthinking and second-guessing, waiting for absolute certainty to magically appear. But here’s the hard truth: sometimes, there isn’t one right answer. Sometimes, the clarity you’re waiting for only comes after you start moving.
Rather than staying frozen, make a choice and take action. Trust that if it’s not the right path, obstacles or redirections will guide you back. You can gather all the information, advice, and insight in the world, but at some point, you have to stop Googling, stop overanalyzing, and simply get to work. Whether it’s a small step or a giant leap, action brings momentum—and momentum brings clarity.
If you’re wrestling with a decision that feels impossible, start by applying these six principles. They may not make the decision easy, but they’ll help you move forward with confidence and courage.
If you are in the middle of a seemingly impossible decision–or at least one that keeps you up at night, try applying these seven principles to help you move forward.
