Couples are often unaware of how incredibly attuned we are to each other’s non-verbal cues–and of how powerfully those cues impact our sense of security in our relationships.
I saw this scenario play out recently with a couple in my office. Tim was trying to explain how he felt like a huge disappointment to Pam.
“It’s just,” he began, “I want to get it right for you.”
He was sitting on the edge of the sofa, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped under his neatly trimmed beard. Watching him search for the words, it was obvious to me that he had never communicated any of these inner feelings to anyone before–certainly not to Pam.
“When I get frustrated and ask you what you want–what you want me to do, I know you think I am throwing my hands in the air like I don’t care. That’s just it. I DO CARE! But I don’t know how to be enough of a husband for you. I want to be, but instead, I . . . instead . . . I’m a disappointment.”
Tim ever so slightly turned his head and glanced at Pam after he said it. Pam had spent the last 21 years of their marriage aching for companionship from Tim, but he had remained withdrawn from her. All of this was new to her. She had never heard Tim talk like this, and it was hard to believe him now after all these years. All of that was evident in the slight shake of her head and roll of her eyes.
Suddenly, Tim’s entire demeanor changed. His jaw tightened, and his face hardened with anger.
“Tim,” I asked. “What just happened?”
His response was curt. “Nothing.”
At that moment, I encouraged him to stop and really tune into what was happening for him beneath his feelings of anger. As he did so, he was able to explain. The thoughts that popped painfully into his mind when his wife rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief had reinforced the very fears he was telling her about. When he saw those non-verbal cues he immediately told himself, “It doesn’t matter what I say, she just thinks I’m pathetic.”
Because we are social creatures, our brains have a built-in survival mechanism that recognizes negative non-verbals as danger cues. If we sense that our partner is disappointed or disgusted with us, our connection to them feels threatened. And we respond to this connection-threatening situation just as we would in a physically threatening situation–we freeze, flee, or fight back.
At that moment, processing all the steps to effective communication is like trying to read a map while being chased by a wild animal. Our body and mind are in reactivity mode and our prefrontal cortex—the thought-processing center of our brain—is not even turned on.
The practice that sets master couples apart from distressed couples is their ability to recognize the impact of non-verbal communication and use it to build, rather than hurt, their relationship. While there are several things you can do to work on non-verbal communication, these three steps are a helpful place to start:
1. Make Verbals and Non-Verbals Congruent.
Saying “I love you” while you are looking at your computer screen, not paying any attention to your spouse, is more hurtful than if you don’t say it at all. When your non-verbal cues contradict our verbal expressions, it creates confusion and erodes trust. It’s “crazy making.” Consciously choose to use non-verbals to communicate acceptance, appreciation, and affection in conjunction with words that communicate the same things.
2. Tune into Triggers.
Emotion is fast. You can go from quiet conversation to a full-blown argument in an instant. It is important to slow down and really ask yourself, “What just happened here? What was it I saw on my partner’s face, or in their body language, that impacted me so much? What did that say to me?”
3. Own Your Impact.
Watch how your non-verbals impact your partner. Do they communicate that he or she matters and is good enough? Or do they communicate disapproval, disappointment, and disinterest?
This weekend, I encourage you to pay attention to the non-verbal messages you send your partner. Do those messages build your relationship and bring you closer together, or do they contribute to distance and disconnection?
